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The Madison Record

Finger-lickin' lawsuit

By Staff
Tracy L. Brady
Record Reporter
Watch out America-John Banzhak, better known as the Tobacco Nazi, is on the prowl once again.
Banzhaf has fought the good battle against major tobacco companies since 1967 and succeeded.
Modern day smokers are bombarded with warnings and systematically shunned by society because of Banzhaf's efforts.
But, lives have been saved and schools are getting richer off ever increasing tobacco taxes.
With that done, Banzhaf got a little bored and decided to spearhead another campaign to make self-indulgent Americans completely miserable.
He decided fat people, just like smokers, are victims of big business.
Caesar Barber, 56, a blue-collar worker and Bronx native who stands 5-foot-10 and weighs 270 pounds, claims McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's and KFC are killing him with their cholesterol laden wares.
He, on behalf of the 61 percent of Americans who also carry a spare tire, filed a class action lawsuit last week in the New York State Supreme Court to stop the fast food moguls from inflicting any further harm.
Banzhaf, a professor at George Washington University Law School, will serve as an adviser to Barber.
Barber's lawsuit claims major fast food companies were negligent in selling foods high in fat, salt, sugar and cholesterol despite studies proving a link between consumption of these foods and major health problems.
Barber has personally suffered two heart attacks and is diabetic. His attorney and Banzhaf say he is entitled to unspecified damages at a jury trial.
"We know from tobacco litigation that initial suits have real difficulties because the public has real problems accepting new ideas and new concepts," Banzhaf said. "It took us many years to get us to the point of educating juries about tobacco, so now they are. (Barber's suit) has a great deal of potential."
Yes, I have a real problem accepting the new idea that anyone but myself has contributed to my obesity.
Maybe I could blame my grandmother for that extra piece of cake she so lovingly scooted onto my plate every now and then, but I certainly wouldn't sue her for it.
Neither she nor Ronald McDonald have ever held a gun to my head and forced me to eat anything.
Every inch you can pinch on this big girl is because I put it pass my lips and led it straight to my hips, not because Colonel Sanders deviously led me to believe fried chicken is healthy.
If Barber and Banzhaf are intelligent enough to have read and understood studies linking fast food to health problems, then why aren't they intelligent enough to pack a lunch or choose a healthy salad from the menu?
What's worse, they assume I, as an obese person, am not intelligent enough to do the same.
Watch out America-the Food Nazi is on the prowl.
Smokers will soon have some company as healthy Americans begin to shun Fatty Arbuckle and schools will be ecstatic over fat taxes generated from Big Macs and 10 piece buckets of KFC.
As history undoubtedly repeats itself, maybe Banzhaf will bring back prohibition.
Then again, maybe a nicotine withdrawn, fat alcoholic will meet up with him in a dark alley before he gets the chance.

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